I have returned to post again

I am back. I have not been arrested. Uh-oh! There is a knock at the door, as the door bell has never worked in this house. It is the police! Just kidding. Not that I think that anybody was fooled there. It really does lose something when you cannot see my facial expressions, assuming I have one, a face that is.

I am getting just too weird (or is that insane?). My good friend Willie fed me my own words on Friday and I want to share them. They were said back in 1987 and I know that they still hold true. Actually they were two questions that I had then and they have never been answered. Please note that I must use profanity here as it really does convey how truly vexing I find these notions.

1. What or who is the fuck that invented soap on a rope?

I mean to get into it, the simple problem I have with soap on a rope is how something so innocuous, like soap, gets turned into a weapon so easily when put on a rope. Now, the stuff you use to get yourself clean, remind me to tell my Mayfair story speaking of clean and smelling good, could be turned into a weapon of choice, in prisons in any event or so I've been told, by adding a simple rope. Tie two of these soap on a ropes together and you have home made numchucks. It is a disaster waiting to happen or at least opening the door to some mayhem. In fact, that gives me an idea.

Word of warning, avoid me in the shower at Mayfair. Actually, I do not like how that sounds. It has a George Michael, hanging out in public toilets sort of implication to it, so just forget I had written that. I won't be anywhere near a public restroom or shower, you can bet on that now.

Before I get to the second question, and I want to mention the Mayfair story. I go there to workout. I rather enjoy doing cardio work on this ARC Trainer machine. They have three. I have been beside this guy, who may be Indian descent not that there is anything wrong with that, but he absolutely STINKS. I tell people and the first question is invariably, "Is it B.O.?" To which I have to reply, "What does it matter? Would it change the stink in any way?"

I try to take the machine the furthest away from him, as he goes on for two sets of about 45 minutes, while I go for an intense 30 (details that you all care about no doubt). Anyway, he seems to like the middle machine. Anyway, at some point it is as if the current in the gym changes and I suddenly become downwind of him. My nose, and those who know me know that I do not have the greatest sense of smell, is assualted with what can only be described as pure STINK. It is like something crawled up his ass and died and he is exuding that odor through his pores. I start to gag and wonder how this can be. At some level, it is very funny.....until that smell hits my nose and I lose sight of the humor as my eyes are tearing up and I am choking.

It happened yesterday. About twenty minutes into my set and he is on and the current shifts. I am moaning and waving my towel to get the air moving back towards him or at least anywhere away from me. I had told a friend about him but he did not fully believe me. Last week, he walked behind him as he was going and the look on his face was priceless. It was like the look on the face of the guys in Seinfeld with the parking valet's B.O. infecting Jerry's Saab, Elaine's hair and Jerry's jacket (when George finds out that Susan has become lesbian after they break up). It is like walking into a wall of stink. In fact, I have been in the change room before working out when this guy comes in and takes off his shirt. Then, WHAMMO! My eyes tear, my nose is assaulted and I want to vomit. This guy has some fierce B.O. It is damn unhealthy for all. I am wondering if Mayfair has some sort of offensive body odor policy. I will have to find out. The least they can do is force him to hose down before he works out. I guess they may need the hoses, with the big pressure, they use at the circus to clean the elephants.

The second question, recall this was posed in 1987 so you really have to remember the context, is to follow.

2. Who the fuck invented Molly Ringwald?

Now, I know that question is rather meaningless. I mean she would eventually disappear from the public view. Damn that aging thing, when a teenage red head becomes and adult and is no longer needed. Is that the future for Lindsay Lohan? Mandy Moore? The more things change the more they stay the same. How deep is that thought?

Now, on to something completely different. We have a small room in our basement that we were using to store "crap". Crap by my definition is just the collection of "stuff". We kept our clothes drying rack in there as it is right beside our washer and dryer, great detail huh. Anyway, with the addition of my son's old clothes and toys, you could only walk on to a two foot square of empty space. My hockey equipment was somewhere near the back wall, impossible to get to as it was. On Sunday, my wife cleaned out the crap. I did the hauling but she did the actually cleaning. Instead of having a garage sale which would entail having to haggle with people over our crap, she insisted we just put the crap at the curb.

It has been the most interesting sociological experiment watching people stop and pick through somebody else's crap. I know one man's garbage is another man's treasure but whole scene from the front window has been better than anything I have ever seen on television, without dialogue. Besides, a garage sale would have entailed holding the crap for a while longer, which means that inertia sets in and I would never get rid of the shit. Anyway, out went a torchiere lamp that we had (I was never crazy about it) but it worked though it had not been used in close to ten years, a workable Canon inkjet printer, old fax machine (thermal paper), old Kenmore canister vacuum cleaner, plastic wagon with other baby toys and a plastic potty that was never used (thankfully, I mean the next thing you know I would have been using chamber pots and putting them out just to see who would take it). Also there was an old, mini stereo/cassette and CD player that really ceased working unless working entails an annoying buzz for sound.

I have been watching things "go". The stereo went first without problem. Then I watched an SUV stop and take the toys and wagon. Another SUV pulls up and a woman inspects and takes the potty. Somebody took the fax machine. I can still see the vacuum, lamp and printer as well as our old coffee maker. It still works, I just cannot justify buying a new carafe (which I probably shattered) when I could get a new coffee maker for the same price. I guess I like getting my coffee on the "outside". We put out an old runner that was a mat for boots at the front door. I just watched a woman inspect that and decide to claim it. She stuffed a piece of wood lattice in the WalMart bag with the runner and off she went.

I am thinking that I am a psychology student and I just baited the maze. I am now observing the experiment. People are funny but predictable. I think that scares me the most. I figure that if I can figure that out, what happens when somebody who is really smart sees that and exploits it. Great, now I will be up all night thinking of that evil scenario. Ciao for now!