Last post of '05?

I am back. I was going to go over my favorite stories of 2005, then figured does anybody care. Besides, the end of the year thing is so damn arbitrary. Life, like the stupidity that flows through it, really has no beginning and no end. I will say that once I die, I am aware that it can happen to me (notice, "can" and not "will" as if I am immune or the undead, vampire, for those in the know) then all this will cease for sure, but I am pretty sure that I will get bored of this before I die. Then again, who knows what fate holds in store for me.

Can you imagine me dead? Damn! That is cold! I should be going into the "new" year, again I am not so sure what is "new" about it but the number we ascribe to it, but that is a story for another day or year, thinking about my own demise. Thank you all for depressing me, you bastards. After all I have done for you, for nothing.

I digress, but now I must consider calling the PEI suicide prevention hotline (post from June or May, I do not keep track). I was not going to do that but it seemed to flow and connect properly. Be that as it may, I have little new to discuss today.

With that in mind, I want to wish all of you out there in cyberland, assuming any of you exist, a Happy and Healthy New Year! Ciao! Party! Puke and Hangover! Whooooooo!

Christmas Jeer

I am back. I was going to take the day off (what else is new) but decided to share this tidbit. I am really going to come off as shallow here, but that may be exactly what I am. For some strange reason, on Tuesday, I went to the mall (Yorkdale) with my wife. It was busy with those Boxing Week shoppers and other assorted bits of what loosely may be called humanity.

We were wandering around the mall when I was, she too, struck with the sight of a fat chick, or to be politically correct, heavy set, corpulent, Rubenesque young woman. She was wearing what looked like a baby tee, though it could have been an XXL tee for all I know, with her white gut, belly?, hanging down over the top of her pants. I look at my wife and she at me.

The first thought is you do have to hand it to her, walking around, proud, letting it all hang out, so to speak. She does not seem to have a body image problem. She does not have a problem with her body, that is great.

The second thought, and most important, is that she may not have a problem with her body, but I do. Nobody, least of all me, needs to see that much flesh, or hers anyway. It kind of made you, or at least me, wish she did have some sort of body image problem.

Oh well, that is the scene from the mall! Ciao!

I am so embarrassed

I am back. I am so embarrassed by what I am about to write, but I have to (notice the moral imperative) do it. The lad was sleeping at his grandparents' home last night, so the wife and myself were watching television, and eating dinner, at seven. There seemed to be nothing on but "Wheel of Fortune". It really made me wonder.

I was watching one woman buying vowels instead of solving a relatively easy puzzle. She bought a vowel that did not exist in the puzzle, though buying a vowel that did not exist in life would have been funnier, but I digress. Obviously, this mental midget could not get the puzzle. This came after the woman beside, on the previous puzzle, did the same thing, including buying a vowel near the end when one should not have been neccesary. I was hoping there that she would misread the solution since all the letters were turned.

Watching this made me wonder if "Wheel of Fortune" were like the Special Olympics of game shows. Mentally challenged people come on the show and show off their obvious, though perhaps not acknowledged beforehand, mental deficiencies. It was like I was watching the "Land of the Stupid". I could not take it for the full half hour. I had to turn away as it was a train wreck of the worst kind. I can handle greed, but stupidity, no matter how dolled up it is, cannot be tolerated.

I can see the tagline...."Some of the dumbest people from all over America, come to Hollywood to play WHEEL OF FORTUNE!" That is why I am embarrassed to say that I saw this show and could only wonder if it was the Speical Olympics of game shows.

Have a great one. Ciao!

Is this year over yet?

I am back. I really do not have much to say today, but that will not stop me from writing. I do have a story, it may not be a funny one, but you get what you pay for, right? How is that for a seasonal message (damn, I have been taken by the PC police and dare not mention the word "Christmas" for fear of offending the non-Christians, of which I am one, damn Pagans)?

I go to work out yesterday. I have nothing better to do and I have to try to remove all the alcohol from my system that built up over the weekend, so I can load up again, by the way. I get down to the gym only to see Stinky Guy on his usual machine. This time I am not willing to give up my use of said machine like I did last week. I finished my weights and started just as he was about done. He did not seem to smell as ripe yesterday as the week before, that is all I know. Perhaps, his full out bathing night occurred during the week.

There was no outstanding odor issues but I saw something rather disturbing. I was in the shower when Stinky Guy entered. Funny how innocent it is when I am there, naked, yet how tawdry and gay it sounds when I write about it, but that is too bad. I watch, notice, study, really how Stinky goes about washing himself.

I felt like Kramer, only I was naked doing my thing. I figure it takes me at least ten minutes to wash my body, hair and face. I do not judge others by that as I figure that I am slow (but thorough or is that Thoreau, hahaha), I mean it always takes me a long time to get ready for basketball (put on and tie up my shoes) and was worse when I played hockey, especially when I played goalie. Still, the dude beat me as he was in after me and out well before me. I do have this to say to him, "Dude, it helps if you actually lather up. I mean getting soap on your hands, putting the soapy hands under the spray and then rubbing your legs just does not cut it! Again, I am speaking by somebody who had the misfortune of being downwind from you. It is nothing personal but you need some schooling in proper washing. No wonder you were done so quickly, how could the soap "take" to you when you did not give it time to work its magic. That is of course, "magic" for those of us who have to share the same enclosed air space as you. I would say think about it, but really do it!"

If I recall anything of note from the weekend, I will get into it tomorrow. Ciao!

Holiday Greetings

I am back. I do not have any striking observations today, but I wanted to wish all of you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah and Krazy Kwanzaa. That will be all for today. Enjoy the holidays! Ciao!

I am heading to Mayfair soon, I am hoping Stinky is not there. If he is, today may be the day that I confront his odiferous ways. I cannot take it, nor should I have to. Someone must slay this beast!

Did I read what I think I read?

I am back. I was reading, well perusing a headline really, that Saddam Hussein has gone "public" with the fact that he has been mistreated while in custody (prison). How funny is that? Here is this dude, the Butcher of Baghdad, condemning I do not know how many Iraqi's to torture, humiliation and a barbarous death, and he has the nerve to "complain" that he is being "mistreated"!! What fucking nerve! He should be kissing his hairy bean bag that he has not been skinned alive.

I am sure it was said without a trace of irony. That is the funny part. I mean the world began yesterday and he should not be called to account for his sins. Karma is a bitch, ain't it Saddam?

Well, enjoy the short thought. Ciao!

More fun with people

I am back. I had an incident on Sunday. At my son's Hebrew school there was some sort of performance. We arrive and find a seat in the back row. At last all the parents arrive and the show begins. All of sudden there is this guy standing behind us, presumably to take pictures of his child(ren). All I really hear is this heavy breathing. I am struck by the fact that Luke Skywalker went to my son's Hebrew school. I had Darth fucking Vader hovering behind me with his digital camera.

Huhhhh Huhhhh Luke, I am your father!

I also wondered what kind of physical shape this dude was in considering how heavy he was breathing just to stand. I figure that if he tries to fart, he may cause himself a massive coronary.

The best part is that I recognized his voice. He was my son's soccer coach this fall. Oops!

May the Force be with y'all! Ciao!

Just when I thought it was safe to use my nose again

I am back. I had some things to say regarding the weekend past, but they can wait. Just when I thought that I could breathe at Mayfair, Stinky Guy reappears. Or should I say the man and his companion, the stench of a dying goat, stuffed a camel's ass, on a hot Tuesday in early July in the Sahara Desert. That should give you an idea of the smell that assaulted me yesterday.

I was in the weight room when I spied Stinky, and that is an understatement, on the ARC Trainer beside the one I prefer. As an aside, with his wicked body odor why does this asshole, again his smell is an insult to the smell of all assholes (except his, I presume), feel the need to use the middle of the three ARC Trainers? There is no way to buffer his stench. I finish and attempt to use the machine upwind from him. All the while, I am cringing as his reek wafts over my way and muttering things under my breath. I know it is really not the best way to do things, but I am not cruel. How do you, in the most courteous manner, tell somebody, a stranger, really, that their body odor is so fucking offensive that if they do not do something to fix it, you will find an elephant hose (the Commando 3000 showerhead) and hose him down big time? I cannot find the words to confront that and there is no "manager" around when I need him.

There should be a law. Hell, I have just decreed one. If you smell like this guy does, you should be locked into a hot box, alone, so that you can see how it feels.

Anyway, I was on the machine for about a minute and a half, when the current shifted. Okay, my mouth was open on that one and he got me on that one. Needless to say, my cardio routine shifted to a different machine. My eyes are still watering when I think about it. I would rather have that combination of sunscreen and sweat, my own, running into my eyes. The stinging there was not as bad as it was yesterday. I think this dude should bottle his own brand of reek and market it as pepperspray. His odor would offend skunks and polecats.

If I confront him, will you guys have my back? If I know you are with me, I will say something. Hell, I may have to say something because I refuse to have to adapt my workouts because of somebody's offensive body odor. It is not right. Do something about your stink or stay away from the public, let one that pays. If it were some public club, then it is my tough shit, but I should not have to smell that and PAY for the privilege of doing so.

That being said, I am done for today. Ciao!

Vacation Observations 5

I am back. I have one more vacation observation to be made. During our trip, my son and I would, at his behest, take the Spanish lessons offered at three each afternoon. It was fun. Anyway, in the earlier classes we took there was this nice woman who spoke English (she was Canadian or American).

The next day, I am on the beach while my better thirds are in the ocean (they did make it out alive in case you were wondering). I hear someone say "Hola!". I look up and it is this woman, so I acknowledge her greeting. She is getting her white self in the sun with her friend. Both of these women are not petite. I would not call them huge, but they are larger than me. I can overhear their conversation and look over to see the large friend with her huge tits getting sun. She was lying there with her arms under her tits so that, I presume, they would not just fall off to the side and into the sand. It made me shake my head but if she wants to sun her breasts that is her right and who am I to say anything.

Her nipples were the size of hubcaps though. That is all I have to share with you. Now you can have all these images burned in your mind, like they are in mine. More fun tomorrow. Ciao!

Vacation Observations 4

I am back. It is on with the show time. I cannot believe that I have been back at this for five days straight and I still have things to say and share.

Here is the latest sights on the beach. I am lying in the sun/shade looking out at the Atlantic Ocean when what do I spy. I see some kid, naked, being twirled around by his father or grandfather, who has the lad by the wrists and is spinning around. It is like some sort of human centrifuge. I got the feeling he was trying to separate out his son/grandson's inner organs from his skin. It was a funny sight but come on and give the kid a bathing suit. The last thing he is going to want to do is have all the sand removed from the crack of his ass. Then again, he may like that. Think of the pain if it were a girl, naked, on the beach like that. I mean that sand gets EVERYWHERE. That has to hurt eventually.

I will save the final two items for next week. They are not as funny but one is warped and natural. It just caught me as funny. Now, the picture of the naked boy being spun around by his wrists is certainly better than either of the fat guy, naked in the steam, or the fat German with the Speedo.

I was treated to an Italian, I presume, woman, topless, with a string bikini bottom on. It was like a piece of dental floss in the crack of her ass. I did watch as she bent over and applied sunscreen to her ass cheeks. It was interesting and quite the pleasant sight.

Think of that and keep yourselves warm this weekend. Ciao!

Funny World Ain't It?

I am back. I decided to preempt the latest Vacation Observations post for some new thoughts. I was at Mayfair yesterday. I am in the steam room and I find myself sitting near some guy. Anyway, the guy gets up to leave the steam and I notice that he is a heavy, naked guy. I am still sitting, naked, in the steam and the image suddenly dawns on me. After watching a heavy, big gutted dude walk by you when he is naked, the rolly polly German dude in the Speedo is not quite so objectionable anymore. I new entrant into the "Disturbing Images in My Brain" contest appears. Will wonders never cease?

I came across a series of sad but true newstories for 2005. Enjoy the giggle.

JUST WHAT WAS IN THAT RECIPE?
How about the Idaho high school boy who fed a batch of semen-frosted brownies to a fellow student and his friends? It seems the teenager was more than a bit ticked when his classmate put peanut butter in his cheese sandwich days before. As a police report said, the prankster, who has since agreed to admit to three counts of disturbing the peace, "hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than he could explain."

I pretty much live by the attitude that if any of my male friends offered me something that they had baked, and I was not there to witness it, it becomes suspect. That is just my way.

GAVE A LICKING AND KEPT ON TICKING
An Oregon education board reprimanded a Central Linn High School football coach for licking the wounds of several student athletes. Coach Scott Reed admitted licking blood from the knee of one student and the arm of another. It was not clear why he did it. Linn County Sheriff Dave Burright called the licking "bizarre" but not criminal because contact wasn't forced. Three students said it appeared the coach was "just joking around."
SO EASY. EVEN A CHILD CAN DO IT
An Anderson County, S.C., sheriff's deputy was temporarily sidelined by his boss after the officer's pistol went off during a gun safety class at a middle school. It seems the weapon discharged when a student pulled the trigger as the deputy was showing the kids how hard it was to take a gun from an officer's holster. The bullet fired into the floor, and debris cut two students.

What the fuck is wrong with this picture? The licking coach? What the fuck?!!!! And way to go Barney Fife.

NEVER WHEN MARRIED
Authorities in Wisconsin pinched a 63-year-old man who allegedly had a fondness for calves.
Harold G. Hart, of Neillsville, reportedly told police he stopped at a Greenwood farm "at least 50 times" to have sex with calves there. The man, however, told police he never had sex with animals while maintaining a relationship with a girlfriend or his wife.

I am thinking that I better stay away from the veal for a while. This is how we tenderize the meat. Blahhh!!!!

That is all for today. Ciao!

Vacation Observations 3

I am back. I have more thoughts and sighting from the beach in Punta Cana. There were many tits on that beach and by the pool. I was not bothered by it. It is a very European thing to do and got used to it, rather quickly, while in Europe (the Beach Tour as it turned out) in 1986. I do have to say that there were many older women who were going topless, but I thought that when I hit my first European beach in Sitges, Spain (near Barcelona). I could not help wonder then as I do now as to whether I really need to see grandma's titties but it is part of the whole package.

I think that I had mentioned in a much earlier post about my nude beach observation while in Greece. It was always people I thought that should be covered up with much clothing that were nude on the beach and the hot chicks, who I wanted to see naked among other things, in proper (such a North American, Victorian or prudish term) beach attire. Damn my imagination and covering up the "naughty" bits (damn British humor influence)!

Anyway, I get out to the beach on Monday or Tuesday afternoon and I am walking to meet the family in our shaded chaises on the beach. I am making my way along the sand and look down to see some person with gray short hair, lying topless, on a chaise. Given the style of the swimsuit bottom, hair length and style, I cannot tell if this a topless old lady letting her breasts air and sun out or an old German dude with big, old man boobs. I still do not know and I find that very distrubing, Crying Game disturbing actually.

Anybody who can help with that one, please do. That is all for today. Ciao!

Vacation Observations 2

I am back. Well thought out title for this posting, huh? I could work in Hollywood with this kind of creativity. Oh well, this is costing you nothing but time, so fuck off or send me your loose change. (I am taking panhandling to a new cyber level). As I wrote yesterday, I have these sightings from my vacations so I have decided to parcel them out over time. This is part 2.

We get up on Monday morning, which is always a good way to begin the day....waking up. I still worry before I fall asleep about what if this is THE day that I fall asleep and do not wake up, but really that is just between me and my shrink. I am done to a size 7 5/8s hat size. I digress. Given the three hours sleep the night before, morning of travel and afternoon of settling into foreign surroundings, it did not take long for us all to fall asleep (or pass out) Sunday night. Now, keep in mind that there was no clock in the room, just my wife's watch. I stir and look outside but it is still dark, so I have no clue what the time is. It is not like there is a way of telling the time by looking at the night sky and in any event I was not about to get out of bed. Eventually, my son gets up to go to the bathroom and we find out it is about quarter after six, local time, which given it was where we were is the only time that matters. We just hung in bed until around seven. I stayed longer while the other two went for a quick morning walk on the beach.

We eventually meet for breakfast at around 8:30. The breakfast buffet was good or at least plentiful. We eat and then it is back to the room to ready ourselves for the beach. I decide to have a quick workout and I will meet them. I get back to the room to put on my bathing suit and head out to the beach. To get there, I must pass by the pool, which was huge and beautiful. I am first struck by a rather round German man with a shaved head. He is standing there with his huge gut hanging over his rather skimpy Speedo bathing suit. I was glad that I had not just finished eating. The best part is he and his other German buddies have that Sgt. Schultz moustache. That part cracked me up.

I walk two steps further and there is the young version of him. Rolly Polly German boy, with his chocolate filled gut haning over his speedo. It makes me wonder if he was an old guy who had been put in a shrinking ray. We named him Uter after the foreign exchange student on The Simpsons.

That is it for today. I hope you are like me and have that image of a bald German dude in a speedo with a his gut hanging out well above his speedo. That was quite the sight, but more tomorrow. Ciao.

Vacation Observations 1

I am back. It has been a while but I was actually away. I was down in the Dominican Republic (Punta Cana) with my wife and son for a week. I was a way from all distractions of the electronic kind. It was great, though I was not used to heat, humidity and sunshine like that in December. I did get to return to snow and cold, which is more like December to me, and I can honestly say that I am not happy about that.

On a sad note before any observations, I mourn the passing of Richard Pryor. He is perhaps the best stand up comedian to have ever taken the stage. As well, a neighbor of mine lost her fight with leukemia while we were away. She was a lovely woman who had fought breast cancer only to get leukemia (ALL-Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia) (from her therapy for breast cancer, I do not know). She will be missed. I do have a certain soft spot for those fighting leukemia as that is the disease that took my father 15 years ago (AML-Acute Myologenous Leukemia). So that is it for my death watch for now.

Today's observations are from our flight down to Punta Cana. Keep in mind, it was a 6:35 am flight. I had gone to bed at midnight and woke up at three to take a shower and figure out where the hell I was. It is really dark at 3:30 am and I am not sure my neighbors appreciated me shoveling the dusting of snow from my walk at that hour. However, as I was not around for them to complain to later that day, I figured they would forget about it over the course of the week. Given the sad news of above, I am pretty sure that they did.

Two things struck me on the flight down. One was that as we sat in the three middle seats, me at an aisle, I noticed the dude across the aisle from me picking his nose. I can understand thinking that in the comfort of your own car that you are invisible and that nobody can see you pick you nose (as if), but on a crowded charter flight? Buddy, you are not invisible but obviously your finger up to the first knuckle was. I hope you got it all cleaned out and I do not want to know where you wiped the remnants.

I saw that and I had to write it down. Damn people are funny when they do not think they are being observed. Or make that disgusting, which can be funny. I guess it was in this case.

I was struck by the fact that we were served a boxed breakfast. Some orange juice, a carrot muffin and a fruit cup consisting of two chunks cantaloupe, two chunks honeydew and two grapes. Thanks, I really could not eat another bite, I am full. On the bright side we did arrive early.

Then as I was reading this older dude was talking to the woman in the seat in front of me. Of course he is talking while standing beside me with his crotch in my face. I do not recall requesting the crotch seat. I was fighting the urge to send my elbow upwards and send his nuts through his throat and out his mouth. That would have been two more grapes for somebody to eat. Am I so damn anti-social?

Yes, on less than three hours sleep, at around eight or nine in the morning (when I would consider stirring after a good six or seven hours sleep) am damn anti-social. It was not air rage anti-social, just get your fucking crotch out of my facial space anti-social. If it were a hot chick, I might not have minded so much, but it was not, so that is a moot point.

Those were the first two thoughts more will follow during the week. Ciao!