The world of Spam or How to drown your significant other in a pool of your own ejaculate!

I am back. I love spam. Not the canned, spiced ham made by those lovely people at Hormel. The thought of canned meat is not appealing. There is this corned beef in a can from Argentina or Brazil. The look of it is ghastly and I do not want to imagine the taste. Canned ham? Always been more of a joke to me. I cannot think of any canned meat that I would eat. That Underwood Deviled Ham or Chicken? I would not eat it. I would not eat it with a fox. I would not eat it in a box. I would not eat it here or there. I would not eat it anywhere. I would not eat canned meat, even if it were not ham. I do not like it, Sam I am.

I think that I have made my point. I am not a fan of meat in a can. On a stick? Ain't nothing wrong with meat on a stick. It is all good, especially that "rat" on a stick you can get from street vendors in New York City. I do not know what the hell the meat on that stick, but I will say, it could be rat. It is pretty tasty nonetheless, though I am not sure how palatable it would be this time of year. I mean, New York is okay, but in July/August with the heat and humidity and smell of garbage, that rat on a stick is just not as appealing.

The funny thing is that I will eat seafood out of a can. Tuna, salmon, baby clams, anchovies, it is all good. I do not exactly eat the anchovies straight out of the can. I do cook with them. They are great melted in some olive oil and garlic, tossed with pasta. A quick and simple meal, just add some parsley or other green herb. That is fine and simple eating. I also use them with my clam sauce (for pasta). As I think about it, I won't eat "canned" meat but will eat "canned" seafood, it seems a proxy for some sort of heterosexuality, to me but I may be getting too Freudian here, so I will stop that train of thought.

The point of all of this is that I received some spammers email (sorry to all marketers out there) that purported to increase my ejaculate. All that served to do was get me wondering about some things. If I increased my ejaculate volume, is there the possibility of drowning my wife, or insert any female here, in a pool of my ejaculate? If so, would I be a candidate for murder or manslaughter. I mean I do not think that I would have the requisite guilty mind, but I can see the argument being made that I should have known that my increasing my ejaculate volume that it was foreseeable that I could drown somebody in it. I am assuming that it just pumps out of me like water from a fire hose attached to a hydrant.

I can only imagine having to tell the cops what happened. How do you explain that? "Sorry officer, I seemed to drown her in my own cum. I did not think it would just continue to come out like that. I do not know what got into me, or should I say came out of me. Am I in some sort of trouble?" You can take it from there.

I can see an upside to it, though. There would be endless possibilities for an exhibitionist to show his talent. I guess the idea is to not kill anybody with it. Oh yeah, and make sure that the front five rows at the "show" know to put on a raincoat and goggles. I mean I do not want to be returning home from the show with somebody else's DNA on my clothes. I am not Monica Lewinsky. That is me and if that is cool with you, I mean for those more earthy than me, it is natural, then knock yourselves out. Going to enjoy the heat. Ciao!

Hot Albanian Summer, my newest song

I am back. I was taken by this article I came across. It mixes what I think is a funny country, Albania, with undressed Scandanavian women. What could be better? I find Albania funny because it is a European country, which is supposed to be the cradle of Western thought (it shares a border with Greece, which was the cradle of Western civilization) yet is really backward, economically and intellectually. This was a country whose leader back in 50s or so, thought that Stalin was not extreme enough, so Enver Hoxha took them one better. It is a country whose government pension plan, in the early 90s, turned out to actually be one big Ponzi or pyramid scheme (that obviously worked out well). It is a country whose citizens give a new meaning to the terms "vendetta" and "blood feud". Families have been slaughtered all in the name of avenging a wrong or slight. I have joked that Albania is home to the European hillbillies. Check out this story.

Naked women leave police speechless
Fri Jul 28, 10:11 AM ET
Albanian police were speechless when around 30 Scandinavian women went topless, shocking local bathers and causing an uproar in an Albanian beach resort.
"Police only watched ... they could not approach the tourists because they spoke no English," a local newspaper in the southern Albania coastal town of Sarande said.
Albanian mothers dragged their children away and police received a barrage of complaints over the Scandinavian tourists.
The Scandinavians left after two hours when their guide was informed that nude bathing was banned on public beaches. Nudity and topless bathing are still taboo in the poor Balkan country.

I think the confusion comes not from nude Scandanavians but the Albanian police have never seen women without moustaches. That is just my take. Enjoy the heat and day. Ciao!

Mullets! Mullets, everywhere, far as the eye can see!

I am back. Just some funny things hit me about today. Listening to an Internet radio station, I am hearing a ditty that says, "if I wanted hockey hair, I'ld learn how to play the game." My ears pricked up. It was a song about mullets. How funny is that? The worst, I mean WORST, hairstyle known to all mankind (remember ladies, those of your gender can have a mullet, too). Anyway, the song it called "Poodle Man" by Optiganally Yours, recorded in 2000.

Oh yeah, to the old (he looked that way), heavy set dude in the orange tank top, shorts with fat, pasty white legs sticking out and shoes and white socks, it is not a good look. Your legs look like some sort of chicken or white sausage with the meat pushing on the casing. Only this time, it is you leg fat trying to explode out of your skin. Besides, dude, orange is not your color.

Which reminds me, anybody else see that David Hasselhoff on that crappy, Regis hosted, Gong Show ripoff, "America's Got Talent"? Look closely, but not too close, but that dude is starting to creep me out. He is looking very waxen. I think he is an android or even some sort of cyborg, kind of like Alex Trebek (as told by Ken Jennings).

That is what is up today. Ciao!

I noticed something today

I am back. I did have a good thought but forgot it. Anybody knowing the whereabouts of that gem, please let me know. I was thinking of the word "preliminary". I know that the prefix "pre" means before, like prenatal is before natal or birth, but what is "liminary"? What does one do during the "liminary"? I just want to know. There is my normal curiosity taking over.

I am curious by nature but instead of posing my questions to the actors involved, I like to hypothesize and watch the behavior. Actions speak louder than words and are always more truthful. So, I like to judge body language to make sure it is in sync with the words.

That was a segue into nothing. This posting is like a collage. Not college, which unfortunately means no nubile co-eds here. Oh yeah, I remember what I wanted to write. I took the lad to get his haircut this afternoon. We walked to Luigi's as it is close by. As he is sitting in the chair, I am looking at his face in the mirror. I am struck by how cute my son is. He really is a good looking kid, and I say that in my most objective of ways, but with him it is hard for me not to be subjective. Hell, I have no trouble telling him when he is a little ripe and in need of a soaping and and hosing down. He sits there getting his hair cut and keeps his eyes closed. The last time I took him for a haircut was the early days when he would cry. Here, he just kept putting his head down. If it were any lower, he would have been able to put his shoe print on his forehead.

It was at Luigi's, while I was waiting, that I noticed a number of Playboy magazine's on the table. Being the male that I am, I was drawn to them, like a moth to a flame. Naked women! Pictures, videos, live, it is all good, unless it isn't and for that see my rant on nude beach experience in Greece. I realize that I do not think that I have really looked at a skin mag or Playboy since the 80s or maybe the early 90s. I am suddenly curious about something and I do realize that the sample I am commenting on is small.

I recall those 70s Playboys and Penthouses that my father had lying around. I do know that history of Playboy and the fact that pubic hair did not make their way into the magazine until around the late 60s. By the 70s, the pubes were there. I noticed that back then the models had a full bush. It was neat and trim, but a full bush, nonetheless. Here we are in 2006, and I know that pubic grooming has changed and that many people, myself included, prefer something less than the full bush. I was curious to see what was going on in present day Playboy. I was not surprised to see the one model with no pubes at all.

It is funny in a way to see how the styles and trends have gone from full bush to the clean shaven look. In an 80s reference, there is nothing worse than going down on a woman and getting all chaffed because she is going with the Don Johnson stubble look. Smooth, landing strip, trim bush, the first two are preferable but it is all good. Now, pubes running from the belly button to the thighs, well, that is just wrong, unless the woman in question is a Turk or a philosophy major.

Just thought you would all like to know. Ciao!

Stay away from hospitals

I am back. I can only assume that yesterday's post made it up. I could check and I will after this, but I got another one of those "anonymous" comments on my blog. It complemented me on my posting. I knew then it was spam. I mean, it was not a great post, certainly not comment worthy. Others have been, damn, I have begged for comments but received none. I used to feel good about those comments but they are not real, so it is back to no feedback for me. I have to fill in the blanks and that cannot be a good thing. It is never a good idea to create your own feedback, because you never know if it is "real" or truthful or you filtering out what you do not want to hear or deal with and only listening to the positives. Therefore, it becomes very difficult to make needed adjustments.

That is a long winded way of me saying that I do not mind criticism. I am not perfect but I am capable of learning, so I do not take it personally. Besides, I can usually hear the subtext and figure out, or at least weigh the credibility, of anybody who has an agenda that is moved forward by straight criticism. I judge it accordingly.

I am not sure where this is all headed. Well, in the large sense, I do know. That is inevitable. It stares me in the face when I look around me and see those around me getting older and more frail. My buddy's father, who went to high school with my father (to put it in an age related context), just had bypass surgery two weeks ago. The surgery seemed to go well but there were post operative complications that reared their ugly heads. He is still in the hospital but there have been two subsequent surgeries (that I know of) one of which was related and the other was a pre-existing condition that was made worse while in the hospital.

The point of that is that my thoughts are with him and his family. It also reminds me that you should NEVER go to the hospital unless it is necessary. Little good comes of going in there. Hell, my father went in, he walked in, he did not walk out, though. I do not blame the hospital for that part. They did their best but then again there were things that sort of rankled me.

Here is a sad story. Well that start with keep the readers reading won't it?. When my father was back in for his last go round (would have been around this time in 1990 by the way), me and my siblings were all in Europe, though my sister was in Israel. I was the last to leave but the first to call home. I left on the 11th of July and returned on the 22nd of July. My brother came home on the 29th of July and my sister came home on the 25th of July but her luggage came home on the 27th. Why am I telling you all this? I think I wanted to make a joke about the missing luggage.

Anyway, it was the August long weekend and my father's roommate, actually an old dude who was my father's first doctor, had expired. It was the Saturday and I get down to the hospital to find my father in his bed, outside the room, while the staff futzed about with newly dead doctor. My father, who was still very much alive at the time (I think they just finished his chemo at that time) was left outside of his room, though in a bed, in the hall, while a corpse inhabited the room alone. Is this perverse? You have a guy who is alive but being treated like a slab of meat festering and forgotten about in the hallway, but a corpse is given the Royal treatment and now has a semi-private room as a private room. Yet, the corpse cannot enjoy the privacy.

I did tell the nurse something should be done. I believe I used the terms "Tag him, bag him and get him out and my father back in." When all was said and done, and believe me I meant no disrespect to the good but late doctor, but there was nothing that could be done for him, but my father was still alive and he was playing second fiddle to a former being, an ex-person, a corpse, he was placed in the next room with another future "goner".

This guy was interesting, though, I could not understand a word he said. His son was in to visit (for the last time) from Calgary. He brought in a case of beer, which he stored in his father's hospital room locker. The old guy really thought he was getting better and wanted to leave. He kept saying he was leaving. His wife referred to him as a "stupid man", though she was right, he did not leave walking out of there. He too, expired. Though, they did not move my father again for the one. To much work, I guess, as he had the window view instead of the aisle, er door.

I am not sure what the point of this all is. I guess it is to say that life is fragile. Our elders are getting older as we are and that means there will be trips to the hospital. Some will end well, while others will not. I would say life sucks but pushing up the daisies does not seem like nearly as much fun, so hug a child today. It should be your own, but if it is not, do me a favor and keep it a non-sexual hug, okay? Ciao!

I had to write something

I am back. This layout, on which I am typing, is screwy. Again, bear with me or is that Blogger. They provide the technical crap and all I do is allow thoughts to come into my head (when I am not wearing my tin foil hat, which I am doing as we speak, I could actually go outside and spend time with it on. On hot days, my brain bakes like a baked potato would, which is a cool but slightly annoying feeling) and type them on this thing. I then hit the "Publish Post" and BOOM, I have a posting and you have entertainment. Well, I guess that really oversimplifies everything but so what.

I also believe that the electricity lies dormant in the walls until I put a plug into the outlet or turn on a light. Then all hell breaks loose and the electricity "wakes" up and comes to life. I also believe that there are little people who do all the acting inside my televisions. I think with plasma and LCD screens that the people may be bigger but much thinner. That was the big thing hampering the move from CRT (cathode ray tube) televisions and these thinner, but larger plasma and LCD screens. Those are your science lessons brought to you by the Neo Luddite foundation and fearers of technological change everywhere.

Speaking of Neo-Luddites and fears of technology, it was another weekend spent seeing my in-laws. I am not sure if my father in law is deteriorating or not. All I know is that he is not getting any better. Then again, it is hard to get better when you are uncomfortable anywhere but your own condo unit. He does not even walk the grounds, they are rather nice, especially this time of year. He does tell the same stories and ask the same questions repeatedly. I keep wanting to change my answers each time he asks the question, but that would be cruel. Funny, but cruel.

That is all for today. I should be back tomorrow with more fun things to say. Ciao!

Gimme a T-Gimme a S......

I am back. Fighting along two fronts for Israel, what else is new? Hizbollah and Hamas feigning a lack of culpability, what else is new? Armed men crossing the border, killing and kidnapping soldiers, but that is not an act of aggression in International Law, what else is new? Saudi Arabia coming out against the actions of Hizbollah, that is something new. That newness is tempered with the fact that the Saudi's are Sunni and Hizbollah, Hamas, and their patrons in Syria and Iran are Shi'ites. Nothing really new is happening here, is it?

On the more karmically interesting is that Indonesia, Java in particular, felt another quake and was hit with another tsunami. Poor Indonesians, but why is Mother Earth causing so much destruction there? Ponder that one for a while. I know I asked that question before but I received no responses. Not to mention that the situation obviously has not changed. It is karma at work, but you just have to see it to believe it.

Thank you Earl for making us all better people. Ciao!

Otis Spunkmeyer and Cheez Whiz

I am back. I am out of my mind. It is in my genes. The problem is that I find myself in other people's minds. Suddenly, I do not think that I am so bad. If I haven't said it before, I will say it now....There is nothing like time alone, in a La Quinta Inn, in the Village of Elk Grove Village, to bring a moment of clarity...a moment of complete lucidity.....a moment where one is at one with the Universe....an epiphany of sorts. I suggest you all try it.

Besides, your room comes with breakfast that could include the make your own waffle or breakfast pastries, packaged Danish or muffins, from Otis Spunkmeyer. They are big in the midwest of the US. The name just cracks me up, though. How funny is....Otis? Add in the Spunkmeyer and you got comedy. In fact, I think that Otis Spunkmeyer goes with Cheez Whiz. See, I just won't eat anything where "whiz" is the second ingredient. Just my cuppa tea, but to each his or her own.

Oh yeah, it was that lucid moment that allowed me to draw the conclusion that I am completely insane. Yet, I am not delusional (much?). I have talked of this before but I asked the question of mental health professionals, "If I can accept that anything I think is delusional, does that make me delusional?" The answer was that generally if you can hold out the possibility of delusion than your are probably not delusional. Of course that "wiggle" word, probably, was added. See there is little certainty in life (death, taxes and Tom Cruise's breaks with reality).

That is a happy thought for the day. It is damn hot out there so all of you be careful and stay hydrated. Ciao!

No new tale to tell

I am back. It is damn hot out there today. That is all for the weather portion of our show. My computer is hot and the desk underneath it is as well. I sound like Paris Hilton. "That's hot."

Forget that shit. I am now worried that my laptop will explode. I should call HP and see what I can do to avoid a laptop explosion. Then again, as I read that, I am wondering who I should call if I experience the old "laptop explosion". One laptop explosion is a lot of fun, the other just ruins your data. Both, of course, could stain the carpet. That being said, where is my mind?

I am still struck by the timing of Ken Lay's death. I love the stories about him being an angel or the devil. I figure the truth is somewhere in between. He was greedy and probably shut his eyes to what was going on at Enron. Then again, what do I know and dead men tell no tales. It is just one karmically strange situation.

That is all for today. Not much happening with my brain, so....Ciao!

The Passing of Syd

I am back. Mentally, I am on vacation. I must wish myself a happy birthday, though. It was yesterday (aren't they all) and it rained rather heavily, which was rather cool. I was at a family wedding on Sunday (like anybody cares about my social calender). It was my cousin's daughter, which makes her my cousin as well. It was rather nice. I must say then in my tuxedo, I looked rather dashing. I clean up real nice.

I was thinking of what was bugging me today. I had nothing. I did read that Syd Barrett died though (on Friday). It is pretty sad as he was only 60. For those of you who do not know, Syd Barrett was the founder and guiding mind of Pink Floyd, especially during their trippy 60s genesis. He became a recluse. The rumor was that psychedlic drugs destroyed his mind. That may be true, but he was also diabetic and could have been schizophrenic. Schizophrenia and hallucinogen just do not mix. Besides, there is no law against introversion. That is why John Deacon (bass player for Queen) got out of the music business.

Anyway, Syd was big on early Floyd hits like "See Emily Play" and was the inspiration for the psychedelic incarnation of Spinal Tap. He was long gone from the band for their big push in the 70s. It is said that "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" from "Wish You Were Here" was written about and for him. He did miss the success of "Dark Side of the Moon".

There is your musicology lesson for today. I would suggest ingesting a blotter hit of acid or some shrooms today in honor of a fallen tripping dude, though. It is the only respectful thing to do. Get high and listen to some Floyd and really "see" the music. Either that or drink a fifth of gin, listen to James Blunt and start shooting up the local Denny's. Choice is yours, but enjoy it! Ciao!

Nukes to the left of me! Nukes to the right of me!

I am back. This is one of those "What the Fuck?!!!" days. Here we have the North Koreans launching ballistic missiles capable of carrying nuclear payloads. It is nice to belong to the nuclear club but it seems rather unconsionable to spend all your money (where the fuck does North Korea get any of its money as they are so insular and do not really trade with the world anyway?) on the military and let your people starve to death, slowly. Is it just me or something really fucked up here!? What is the fear there, other than a regime crumbling and a lot of military dudes, who live well especially compared to their own people, losing their good life?

The worst part of this is that the South Koreans are scared shitless of an attack, nuclear or otherwise. I mean the North Koreans can overrun them. Then what? North Korea takes South Korea back to the economic stone age with them. I guess stone age is not realistic since they have stones (which the people are forced to eat) and nukes. The Japanese are pissed but given their history in the region, will have trouble making a claim really be heard by the Koreans or the Chinese. It is funny how that works. I mean assert your "superiority" as a race on region and when you back off and join the world, those subjugted by you keep throwing that history back in your face and use it to justify present transgressions.

You also have the Chinese that do nothing and are afraid to assert themselves. They do not see it as their problem. It would be if North Korean refugees over ran their borders. Appeasing Kim Jong-Il and the North Koreans prevents that. Well prevents it until the North Koreans feel the need to rattle their sabres at the Chinese and point the nukes their way, which could happen.

You have the Iranians claiming it as their "right" to possess nukes. When the fuck did that become a "right"? What of the responsibility that goes along with that right? I have not heard those corrupt theocrats speak of responsibility. Rights, I hear. What the fuck!!!!!!!

Has this world gone screwy or has it just remained so? I was nuclear arms rep of my fraternity back in 1984. I kind of made up the position. It was in the midst of the Cold War and tensions were great between the Chernynko/Andropov Soviets and Reagan's Americans. At least, these old, crusty dudes knew that they could destroy each other, so there was some form of nuclear deterence. With the Iranians and the North Koreans, you could bomb them back to the stone age and they would not give a shit. In fact, I defy you to show me the difference between Iran or North Korea pre and post nuclear attack.

That is the difference here. The West has much to lose. The rogue nuclear states have nothing to lose and that makes them most dangerous. I am really fearful for our futures. Then again, global warming and environmental degradation may get us all first. See there is hope.

Another thing is that Ken Lay died. Yes, he of Enron fame and conviction. Houston's own Kenny boy Lay dies of a heart attack without serving any real prison time. That is some good timing for him. I would bet that his family will collect some big bucks from life insurance. It all seems to work out for the Lay family. Yes, Ken is dead but he leaves his family in decent shape, better than if he were alive and rotting in prison. The world works in mysterious ways. Karma is a bitch! Ciao!

Is it Hammer time again?

I am back. Happy July to all! Happy 4th to my American friends. That makes me sound like a Greek vendor. While I was in Greece, all the dudes hawking their wares would envitably hit me with the same line, "For you my friend, special price". You see we were "friends" and the price was "special". Anytime I hear those words together that is what I think. Like in the Dominican, it was the same damn thing, "For you, my Canadian friend, special price". Yeah, right, friend and special, my ass.

It was a hot and muggy weekend here. I guess that means it is July and summer. My son was up north with a friend and his parents at his mother's brother's (uncle) cottage. He was living the life and I was happy for him. We were home alone, which was a weird sensation. I do not think that my wife has spent that much time away from the boy since he was born. I had weeks on the road, besides, I am just not that attached to any human being. I am more of a loner. I like the humans but find too much contact to be rather draining. The alone time allows me to regain my energy and focus, so that I can be personable. Otherwise, I am one anti-social bastard.

That was not the point of this post. I had at least a couple. One is that given the heat and proclivity of people to wear as little as possible, some people should be reminded that wearing less is not a good idea, especially if they jiggle too much and I cannot get the damn images of jiggle and flop sweat out of my head. I know that it is MY issue, but I still contend that all humans were put on earth as my play things, to do my bidding as I alone see fit. Stop disobeying my thoughts and get with the damn program!

I caught a video (One Hit Wonders) and it really made me laugh. It was MC Hammer, "U Can't Touch This". I mean forget those damn "poo pants" of his. I mean he could easily fit an adult diaper in them. Those huge pants and the tight shirt/vest with no shirt combo is just laughable. All I could think about while the video played (and it always was catchy, thank you Rick James--I'm Rick James, bitch) was that perhaps Hammer should not touch his money. I mean there is delusional and Hammer delusional. Here was a guy who thought he was the next big thing, bought into his own hype, spent about $20 Million to build his mansion ("Hammerland"?) and then the punch bowl was pulled away. He lost it all, but he really did not have it all. The saddest part is that he was found living in a tent, a four room tent mind you, made from those damn poo pants he wore in the video. He was right U can't touch this.

That is all for today. Ciao!