Day of Atonement Reflections

I am back. I did not get to give you a Friday round up. Yom Kippur was coming up fast and I had to hightail it early to eat and go pray. I am dutiful that way. Then again, I wonder if it is a "guilt" thing. I wonder if I am motivated by guilt in terms of atonement. I mean, I go to pray and I fast but I wonder if I do it because I believe or if I do it because of the fear of what if I am wrong and have to "pay" for my sins upon death, or worse yet, during my life.

It is kind of a karmic thing. I say this as I am about to share a story that I do not think I have shared with anybody, except the person of which I speak and even she does not know my thoughts on the issue. Of course, it is many, many years later and probably matters not to her, yet I still wonder.

Way back when, on the eve of Yom Kippur, which we call Kol Nidre, it was also a Friday. For whatever reason, my father was still alive and I was still living with my parents and siblings, we did not go to synagogue that evening. My "friend" came over to read, ostensibly, and just chat. She and I ended up in my bedroom, which was not unusual as we often ended up there. To make a long story short, we end up having sex (on the holiest of holy days, yet). Oddly enough, it was also the last time we had any kind of sex. It was soon after this that we sort of drifted apart.

The thing was I felt somewhat guilty about having sex on that evening. I find it tremendously interesting that it became the last time we "connected" like that. Things went down hill from there and I could never really figure out why that was. The timing of events subsequent to that evening have never really made sense to me. To this day, I still cannot figure it out. I could ask but then it just looks like I was carrying this crap for too long, besides, it won't change anything.

There you have it. A useless story, but I wonder if my "punishment" for sex on Yom Kippur was the end of relationship as I knew it. Then again, if that was the case, then, why did it appear, at least to me, that she was not punished, or at least in the same manner in which I was?

I do not expect anybody to have the answer to that one, but it has long remained a vexing connection for me.

It is also a Day of Rememberance for me, as it was on this date on the Hebrew calendar that my father died. As I have written before, all these have happened in my life around this time of year, which always gives me grist to ponder. I kind of like the opportunity for reflection that the High Holidays bring. Am I insane?

Well, that is all for today. Another reflective day for me to go along with the weekend. By the way, the fast went well this year and it was an absolutely beautiful day out there on Saturday. Nothing like breaking that fast with some red wine. I mean nothing like some alcohol on an empty stomach. Party! Woooooooooo!

Ciao!