The next phase begins

I am back. I am bringing you along with me on this "Death Watch". Sadly, that is what it is. They have settled MIL in Palliative Care at Baycrest. It is just a matter of making her comfortable and time. Apparently, FIL slept through the night last night and did not disturb MIL.

How is that for irony? The die has been cast, he has played a role, and the outcome he could least afford to have is upon him. Then he goes and does what he could not do before....sleep and not disturb MIL while she slept and allow her to get a night's rest. If he did not have such diminished capacity to actually understand (he has no clue what year it is), I would kick him in the nuts.

It is sad but true. I guess I am not nice. I can afford to be that way as I could never see FIL as a father figure to me. I lost, man I am careless, a wonderful father (not perfect, he was pretty fucking far from that) 17 years ago. I carry the loss to this day. I cannot necessarily articulate the sense of it, but there is something missing. I guess I could try to fill that hole with alcohol or drugs....wait that is a great idea, be right back.

Well, that did not work, but it did feel good for a few minutes there. Anyway, what was I going on about...oh yeah, FIL. Yeah, he was never a father figure to me, and Lord knows, I could use one. He failed me there, but it was not his responsibility. Then again, I think he failed his own children in that as well.

I did not know it or notice at the early stages but he was never engaged with me, or his children, grandchildren, or any other relatives or people that I could tell. That was and is him. That said, in the early days, I had a hard time looking at him. I could only think he was giving me that "You are fucking my daughter?" look, but I was wrong. He avoided thinking about such things. I guess it was I that was giving him that "I am fucking your daughter, what are you gonna do about it?" look.

All I can say is I am thankful that I have a son and not a daughter because that would drive me crazy. I feel bad for each of my friends with daughters. Not that they had girls, which is lovely. It is that they will look at every guy their daughter brings home and wonder if he is fucking their little girl. Not a pleasant thought, if you are a father. You kind of hope that they are lesbians at that point (shades of Dennis Leary, Tommy Gavin, on Rescue Me).

That is all for today.