More Swine Flu Funnies

I am back. Well, one of my questions that I asked yesterday regarding swine flu has been answered. Check out the link.

http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/1081546.html

The basic gist of it is this. A member of the Israeli Knesset, Israel's Parliament, thinks the name of the flu strain, which has cases in Israel, should be called "Mexican Flu" (or Montezuma's Revenge, The Return) and not swine flu as pigs are not kosher.

This reprint from the article sums it all up for me:
"This attempted rebranding of swine flu raises another issue about the dangers of Israel's lack of separation of synagogue and state, albeit one less important or divisive than the monopoly held by the religious over marriage, death, circumcision, public transport, and dietary laws. This danger is the constant ability of the religious, when put in charge of government ministries, to make a mockery of a modern, would-be sophisticated western country that sees itself as a beacon of pluralism and modernity in a region darkened by religious fundamentalism and political extremism. "

I do not think that I need to say more about this one. Oh yeah, tomorrow is the Wife's birthday, so do not forget to give her a call! Ciao!

Mexico puts lipstick on that pig

I am back. What a weekend it was. We had dinner here on Friday with the Wife's family (brother, aunt, uncle and cousin). It was my brother in law's 50th birthday on Saturday. He does not look like he is 30, let alone 50. Then again, he does not act as if he has the accumulated knowledge of a 50 year old. He really does settle in around the common sense of a 10 year old. It is too bad, but rather okay that he has no children and is unmarried.

As if I needed any reason not to go to Mexico, they provide another one........SWINE FLU, with the option on a pandemic. It is bad enough that Mexico had declared open season on Canadian tourists and kept the problems quiet so as not to rock the tourism boat/money. Then they have brought wicked drug wars, where the criminals are killing the authorities and going into the US to kidnap and kill people, drug and gang related, in the US. It appears to be becoming a failed state, but now they give us swine flu.

It is crazy but like SARS back in 2003, it has to start somewhere.

My only question is this, can an Orthodox Jew get swine flu? Would that create a problem with his rabbi? Not sure of that one.

Do you get swine flu by fucking a pig? I mean we have all been there, done that. It is like a disgusting rite of passage. Fuck a pig, regret it, but then think dropping a load is still dropping a load. Man, I will be a great father some day....just not today, of course.

Pity, the Lad who has to live with mind. All adult like one second and all juvenile, but true, the next. Living with me is like living on a roller coaster.....without being strapped down.

If you put lipstick on a pig, which can make her more fuckable, can you get swine flu? Or does it only transmit if you kiss the pig? Again, who has not kissed a pig in their day, or at least is willing to admit it now?

I would like some answers here, so please drop me a line. Ciao!

Memo to Paula Abdul - Move the marbles from your mouth to your brain

I am back. Okay, so what the fuck is Paula Abdul on anyway? I catch the highlights, or lowlights, of American Idol on Tuesday and she is talking and I cannot figure out the what the fuck she is saying or trying to say. Then yesterday, all she has to do is introduce the contestants and the song they will be performing and she mumbled some sort of gibberish.

Paula, take the marbles out of your fucking mouth before you try to speak. You may want to consider replacing them in your head. That way, you can articulate a cogent thought or idea. As opposed to the present situation where you mumble a garbled thought.

Just a suggestion. Ciao!

Of Cleaning Closets

I am back, bitches! I am just sitting here listening to the sounds of the '80s. It is funny that when I hear a song or sound how it can take me right back to when I heard it. It is kind of cool and kind of depressing all at the same time.

Well, I did not post yesterday, obviously. My last post dealt with a dude licking his fingers and smearing his caulk (which makes me laugh every time I say it). I was telling it to my brother and sister on Sunday and my mother, just like that. It cracked my brother up, too.

Speaking of the 80s, I cleaned out my closet over the weekend. There was actually a shirt or two from the 80s. At least one shirt for sure. I still have some of my father's shirts hanging there. Those are definitely from the 80s, but I would not consider wearing them. They would be too tight, but then again may appear to be fitted. There is a sentimentality to them. I guess I am not ready to toss them, maybe one day.

I did get rid of a lot of shit that I wore in the 90s, though. It is not as if I will wear those HUGE shirts again. Those button up shirts were HUGE. I have a tee shirt that I take to basketball. It is a size XXL. It is fucking huge on me now and was when I bought it in the 90s. I put it on and wonder what the fuck I was thinking when I bought it. It makes me look like Tom Hanks in big when he turns back into a kid while wearing his adult suit.

Then again, I have had that feeling lately while watching "Seinfeld". I look at what Jerry is wearing and laugh. That is about the only thing dated about the show. Well, that and the fact that there is no scene of anybody using cell phones or IMing on their Blackberrys. It is funny to think how ubiquitous these gadgets have become in a short time. That is the result of competition and price deflation for both handsets and time plans (in the US, in Canada we get screwed by the oligarchs that control the market. Of course, these are the same companies that had monopolies in their utilities and had to learn how to compete, complete with customer service, so let's see how the future plays out for them in this market....much like the past, I am betting).

Back to the 80s, again, I said it then and I will say it now. Why is that every time I hear a song by Air Supply, I feel this intense need to jump in front of a moving bus? Anybody else out there have a similar reaction? I guess it is just me.

Now, I am listening to Corey Hart. I did not like it then and the feeling still remains, but it does take me back to 1984. That is 25 years ago for those of you playing along at home. We were in the midst of Reaganmania. Things were good and weird. The weird has stayed with us, or at least me. I would be "safely" ensconced in exams at this point in time. It would have been a Saturday, so it was study mode without the pressure of writing. I wrote five exams over 3 weeks. I would have finished 2 with 2 more slated for the upcoming week and one on the 2nd of May. Then my summer would have began and it did.

Violent Femmes now. I can still listen to that disc, though I cannot say that I have. I may have to bring that into the car for me. I do have to take out a couple of mixed 80s CDs in the Wife's car so that I can rip some of those tunes to my computer.

Well, now I am giving you the minutae of shit that I am doing right now. That is the sign to end this post. Ciao!

Caulk Licking Good Time?

I am back. We just had some windows replaced. The guy who did the work was kind of skiddly but he did good work. He did do something that has me wondering as I say it out loud. Here is the drill. I will write out what he did, say it out loud to yourself and see how you react or what comes to mind.

The guy licked his finger and smeared his caulk. Or perhaps, he smeared the caulk, well it was his caulk, and then licked his finger.

How does that sound to you?

If he used his mouth to get the caulk started would that make him a caulk sucker?

Have a great weekend! Ciao!

Another dead old porn star

I am back. It is another sad post. Well, sad in the sense that somebody died. That somebody I did not know personally, but like Farrah Fawcett I did "spank" to her on occasion. Oh to be a teenager again.

I got a call yesterday that Marilyn Chambers died. Marilyn Chambers was a one time Ivory Snow baby model who became a big name in porn in the 70s and early 80s. She had one hell of a hot, natural body. She was the first woman that I can recall seeing (on screen and in print only) who shaved her pubic hair. She seemed to shave her lips and her bush was shaped, often in the shape of a heart (awwww....how romantic).

She was the star of such classics as "Behind the Green Door" and "Insatiable". I saw a lot of "Insatiable" in the early 80s (saw it more than I saw "Debbie Does Dallas", another classic before the days of the DVD and Internet). The final scene has her being fucked by John Holmes, another star from the classic or golden era of porn. Classic or hirsute, same difference.

Marilyn Chambers had great blow job lips. They were not the fullest but their shape seemed perfect to be wrapped around my, or anybody else's, dick, which they often were. She was hot at that time.

Apparently, she was 56 and found dead by her 17 year old daughter. The father was a porn producer, who produced her early hits and was once married to Linda Lovelace of Deep Throat fame (which he produced, too).

I do not know what she was doing lately. I am pretty sure she has/had a website and was selling old and possibly new shots of her work.

I am most amazed that she did not die younger of some sort of AIDS related disease as so many porn stars of that vintage, including John Holmes, did. Her hey day and the genesis of AIDS did coincide. That is just a bit of cultural history, about 25 to 30 years later.

I will have to talk the Wife into giving me blow job to honor the memory of Marilyn Chambers (again, only a fantasy or the memory of a fantasy, how ephemeral is that?). How do you think that will go over? Me, too.

Ciao!

Phil Spector and the Fish Taco

I am back. I have two very different thoughts and both are brief.

In the news today, Phil Spector was found guilty of murdering that actress whom he picked up. It was his second trial, but first conviction. It does disprove my theory, after OJ Simpson and Robert Blake, that in California, if you are a famous male, that murdering a spouse, former spouse, common law spouse or female pick/hook up is legal (that is only in California, apparently). I am glad to say the theory has been disproved, though I was thinking of moving to California....that is now on hold.

I was thinking, am I the only one that finds the term and food "fish taco" funny? Think about it, I know I am so fucking juvenile, but really think about it. A woman's nether regions, okay I will say it...vulva, is or can be referred to as a "pink taco" (I will not get into the explanation, if you are a female you can figure it out and if your are a hetero male, you can see what it means. If you are gay, just skip this post). Add to that, the waft of a female with a touch of vaginosis, that "fishy" smell. There I have put it together for you. Am I sitll the only one?

Ciao!

Farrah, Farrah on my Wall

I am back. Usually, around this time of year, Passover, my mind wanders back about 30 years. It was about this time that in our family, the location of the Seder(s) migrated to our house. Before that, we would have them at my paternal grandmother's house, before she sold and moved, and then her apartment.

In the early 1970s, she started showing signs of dementia. By the late 1970s (1976 or 77), she was admitted to Baycrest (I last visited in 1978, she was out of it, like a coma, it was far too depressing for me, she would pass away in late 1991) so the Seders moved to my aunt's for a year or two. She was a bit insane so they moved to our house with my mother and grandmother (maternal) doing the cooking and preparing.

It was always cool seeing my cousins and extended family in this way. In fact, the first time I got drunk was at the Seder in 1979 and I did not know what the cause was. It took me a little bit of drinking to get that "feeling" back and realize it was the alcohol.

The reason I bring all this up is this, as I look back on that period of time, I recall that I had that Farrah Fawcett poster up in my room. I must have whacked off to Farrah numerous times. She was good until I found the airbrushed nudes of Playboy and Penthouse. Her admission to hospital with a recurrence of her anal (ass) cancer has me a bit sad.

That poster, and she herself with Charlie's Angels, were iconic for teenage males of my generation. She was an adolescent fantasy to me. I mean, Cheryl Tiegs was sexier with her biking, but Farrah was Farrah. I even enjoyed her "insanity" on Letterman. There was her painting by using the paint on her body and rubbing herself on the canvas. Crazy, but given her looks, it was something that I would like to have seen and participated in with her.

Alas, that was an adolescent fantasy and the reality is that she is over 60 with terminal ass cancer. She is dying and, I would think, very "dry" so the fantasy ended when my adolescence ended (of course, some may say it never really has, which could be evidenced by some of the things that I have posted on this blog, I cannot argue that). That is the sad part, her cancer, etc. is sad for her and those that know her. I do not and she was more of a concept or something abstract than a real flesh and blood human being. Her illness is sad but rather meaningless to me as the fantasy will live on without the reality of aging (and sagging).

Well, that be all for today. Ciao!

A tree hugger, I am

I am back. Well, with the snowy and slick yesterday, I have a story to tell. Understand, we live on a crescent right by the curve. There is a concrete light standard in the center of the curve. My neighbour has hit that pole. Then again, my neighbour seems to hit a lot of things with his cars, so that could be an isolated incident.

During the winter, in the snow, I saw a pick up truck take the curve to quickly and skid....into a snowbank in front of our house. It was snowy, no harm done. Doofus should learn how to drive according to the road conditions that is for sure.

Well, I open the blind in our room before I take a shower yesterday. I come out of the shower at around 7:30 and take a quick peek out the window. I continue on my way then realize that there are two brown lines on the lawn. I take another look and realize that those brown lines are skid marks of a car that has obviously taken the curve to quickly given the wet and icy conditions and rode up my lawn. I look again and notice that the bird house in the 8 year old Ohio Buckeye tree on our lawn is on the ground.

The asshole who drove on my lawn...hit my fucking tree. There is chunk of bark taken out of its trunk. Too bad that it was not my neighbour's old, old maple tree (the one that was struck by lightning last spring) and the car would have been wrecked. It would have served the smackweed right.

As it is, this white Mustang and the half wit driver who ran off has got some good damage to his car's front end and is missing some paint.....as it is on my fucking tree. The tree is also on a bit of a slant now.

I am pissed that this useless piece of human flotsam hit an innocent tree and drove off. Not to mention the fact that the motherfucker drove on my lawn without nary a word of apology. If you know who this is let me know. I would love to hook a car batter and jumper cables to his nipples for shits and giggles.

Revenge for the tree! Fuck, somehow I have become a tree hugger! Ciao!

What is it with April 6th and wet snow in Toronto?

I am back. Wow, first post for April. What can I say? History seems to repeat.

We have received a beautiful April wet snow/rain storm. It really is not unusual. Apparently, the record for snowfall on this date (April 6 for those playing at home) was 10.5 cm. That was set in 1994. I remember where I was living but do not remember that snowfall on that day. I do recall that being a VERY cold winter (it got that way just after my grandmother died just after Christmas of 1993).

That was 15 years ago. I do recall 25 years ago, 1984, it was the same thing. It was my last day of classes in my first year of university. I actually showed up to class, I think that we had to write a psychology exam. I recall the wet snow as I headed downtown. I figured that with the start of study week and the fact that I was meeting some friends to begin to study that evening, that a "day off" would not hurt. I did buy some jeans and a New Order LP.

Funny, how things like that work. Then again, it is early April and this is the unsettled nature of the early part of this month. I do recall that back in 1975, in April, we had a heavy snowfall. They had set up a small midway at our local strip mall (they seemed to do that with some regularity back in the day). It started snowing while I was on the Zipper. Come the next morning, I think it was a Thursday because I recall watching Carol Burnett, then again, I could be mixing up my memories, I thought we would have had a Friday snow day. That would have been cool. Then again, the 5 minute walk to school, through the snow, was not a hardship.

The weekend was pretty......uneventful. We were to have dinner here on Friday but I arrived home after five to a power failure. We took all our food to the Wife's cousin's place. It was all good.

I hope you have not missed me in my week long absence. I will try to be more regular with my posts. Keep coming back! Ciao!